Summer holidays started last Friday 21 at last! However, I have been quite busy at home maing some improvements to my room. I already put the permanit and the yeso, and tomorrow I'm sandpapering the pasta muro in the mornig (hopefully) and then I'm planning to buy the guardapolvos in the afternoon. If everythong goes like planned, it should be ready to paint on Thursday. I found green paint at half price in Homecenter. I wonder if it needs some white paint. I'll make a test tomorrow.

I also made a shelf, which cost me twice as much as I planned. :( But my books and turntable are going to look beautiful on it. :) Got to get it back from Ceci.

Mom is gettig redy to go to the convention in Temuco. Some free days for me!! What am I gonna do? Porn, of course! >:) I said I'd go to Coihayque. Luckily, I think I won't have enough money for that!

I'm so tired with all this work in my room. The forst night I could hardly sleep because of the pain in my arms. Same thing last night because I was screwdriving until late. Now comes sandpapering, the worst part. I'll do it quickly to finish quickly.

Feeling a little depressed some times. And sleepy. Happy to know that my days are fewer and fewer. Mom's not taking care of her heart. Looks like she wants to die soon. Good thing for me. I'm so eager to go to sleep for good.

At laaaaast!! Summer holidays are about to start. I uploaded all the grades to the internet today. Working without kids. Beautiful!! :)

We had the graduation ceremonies yesterday. Kinder and 12th year. Afterwards Leti, Juan and me went to a pub and had a tabla and some drinks. Quite enjoyable. I seldom drink and wanted to test the theory that alcohol makes you more talkative. Completely true!! :) I had an amaretto sour (recommended by Leti) and words came easier! Then, as we were leaving, the waitress came and offered me a second drink, because it was happy hour. I accepted! I loved amaretto sour! I was scared I would get drunk. I don't think I did. Maybe if I had been up for longer... but we went home right after that drink aqnd was home in fifteen minutes, so I didn't have the chance to confirm. I was quite happy to be with Juan in the colectivo. I got really talkative! I don't know where words kept coming from!! :) And I was being funny and was not talking aout me!! I love alcohol! :)

BTW, I don't want to forget that huge beefcake in the pub. Oh, God! He was huge! Those massive arms and shoulders! Was the barman. His green tee could hardly hold those huge bulging muscles.

It's raining now, after some sunny days. Good thing. I was having a hard time with heat. I got smelly very quickly!! yuk

Luckily, we are startin our day's work at 9 from today. Wanna sleep now. Stress is over. Feeling more relaxed. BTW, the history teacher is being fired, said Marcia. Really hope it's true!

Silly me. I left my turntable on with a record on it all night some days ago. I was listening to music when my mother came fro the hall. I sat uo to open the door. She was coming with Cecilia and I completely forgot to turn it off. The morning after, I stared in shock how the needle has carved a deep track on the record, leaving a white dust around it! So I took the turntable to my turntable "guru", and he impressed me once again! This old man is amazing. I took the turntable to him right when I was going to the proyecto intgrado because I was going to handle the data show. So I was planning to drop it on my way to the theater. But he fixed it right away. I told him I had no money on me because I thought I would have to leave it with him, but he told me not to worry and pay later!!

He also told me that in the point of contact of the needle and the track, a high temperature of around 800°C can be produced. Well, he has never seen that himself, but he says he has witnessed teps of up to 720°C. He also says that for measuring this, a laser thermometer is used.

Unfortunately, apart from the Lady record that I spoiled that night, I also spoiled the Sara record, because the needle was not correctly installed and it was shaped like a hook. Well, it's not a big loss because that last record has a lot of background noise. Now I have an excuse to buy a better copy! :)

I'm very happy now because the records sound much better than before the accident! :)

I have been in a good mood these days, even having gone to the meeting with my mother. Brother Carlos looks at me with a worried face because I make no comments. Well, that makes me feel sort of awkward, but I guess my lack of comments is no news for them.

We went to the saval last weekend. It was so enjoyable. We had a light lunch there and lay by the river at the bottom of the botanical garden. I discovered that I can take a great picture of Valdivia from a certain far corner of the garden. I'd love to had a good camera. Anyways, I took some pics of mushrooms growing under pines in the botanical garden with my cellphone, and they were quite good. Even better than with my camera! I uploaded the pics of one of the mushrooms to the Facebook account of this "mushroom lady" asking for identification, but she has not replied. I wonder if it is a new kind of mushroom.

I have learned about so many different kinds of edible mushrooms growing in Chile. Leti told me that she used to go and harvest lots of them in her parents' house when she was a kid. That got on my nerves! I told her that she has to invite me one day. But she says that things are not the same as before, because those places have been "cleaned", meaning that all trees and bushed have been cut off, so now its difficult to find mushrooms. You have to go farther in the forest, but there are pumas there. Scary! But she says that pumas run away from people. Let's hope so!

It's been difficult to take my eyes away from some of my students these days. It's spring. I hate spring. It's getting warmer (last week was suffocating) and the kids are wearing lighter clothes... and I start suffering!!! Iván has those huge, beautiful, bulging, seductive pecs!!! They drive me completely nuts!!! He has caught me several times glancing at him. I pretend nothing happens, but I'm sure he knows I'm looking at him. What can I do!!!??? I'm so weak!! I promise I try not to look... but it's beyond me. :( If I could only lick those hard nipples...

I have not written the letter I want to write for the PE teacher yet, complaining for what he said last Wed during the teacher's meeting. But I'm really angry, and with a good reason. I could also complain that he keeps wearing those minute shorts. He likes to show off his massive, muscular, tanned, hairy legs. Not that I have paid much attention to them, but I can't avoid an erection every time he gets close.

What would he say of fucking a chubby guy? I mean, I have seen whole sections on porn sites dedicated to men fucking chubby guys. Isn't that what gets straight men horny, the contrast of a soft body against their rock hard muscles? But I could never make any kind of advance with anyone at school. Actually, I have never dared to do it with any man at all. :(   >sigh<

The topic at the table at dinenr today was the need of my mother and mine to visit a psychiatrist. All because I said that I was unable to keep a healthy lifestyle, that I'm not constant. So I might be bipolar. But I KNOW that this is not the problem! The last two times I tried to lose weight I quit simply because I'm too lazy to exercise and because I was not happy with the results. I mean, I was losing weight, but this doesn't seem to have an impact on my relationship with men. Well, I do receive some compliments when I look thinner. Edgard, for example. He used to harass me. And I loved that. The problem was that he did it in front of other students and I had to reject him. Had he done it privately, things would have been different.

And Felipe, when I was writing somethin on the board and he told me that I looked fine. Yeeep! That was hot! HE was hot. A pest, but hot. :)

And then come those moments when I get convinced that it's not worth the effort. That I'm too old. That I only have some 9 years left before I kill myself.

Who knows. One of these days I might decide to make a change for my last decade. I don't want to die without being fucked by one of those georgeous men I see every day at school. And I don't have energy to work anymore. I'm exhausted at noon!!

Yeah, I recognize I need to lose weight, badly. But I'm too lazy. Perhaps paying an annual fee at the gym, as my sister suggests, would be a good idea. If I buy an exercise machine to have it at home, I would probably be too lazy to use it.

Who knows. Maybe when my mother asks for the loan in January or February.

At last this crappy long weekend came to an end. I don't really want to go to work, but anything is better than being here at home with nothig to do other than watching porn. It's incredible how difficult it can be to find the exact porn pic you want. I was looking for a perfect hard dick for my blog heading, but I didn't find the ideal dick. I'm divided between dick or muscle. I think I'll choose dick. I can post muscle later in different posts, because there is not one single set of muscles that I like the most. I like muscular men from head to toes! Yes, I'll use a beautiful, thick, hard, dick, covered by swollen veins like a roadmap. Mmmmm!!! The most beautiful sight to find every time I enter my blog. :)

What do I have to do this week?
Pendant tests for year 12.
Finish the newspaper.
A letter for the PE teacher (such a great body, but such a nitwit)
Daniela is visiting us in our English department meeting again on Tuesday.
My class has the simce test on Tuesday.
The parents meeting folder for the proncipal.

I think that would be all.

I hope these days will pass quickly and the 20 will be here soon. We are so short of money this month.

My creations of the weekend:

Went in a nice tour to the supermarket with my mom today. We were bored at home and I decided we had to get some liquid soap for our ultra-advanced technology electronic soap dispenser. We were in the supermarket when my sister called mom and told her that we could go to the Saval park. I thought there was a beer exhibition, but it was over long ago. Now there was a flower exhibition. Nothing special. I was diappointed that nothing there was edible, and proposed to go home and have some coffee and vanilla icecream. A teacher gave me the recipe last week. On the bus back home I met a student (Catalina) and her family. Poor girl, she has serious learning problems and her family doesn't want to take her to the doctor. They rely on teachers making things easier for her. She should definitely repeat the grade. Her brain cells need time to mature. Then I gave my seat to a father with his little rchildren and moved to another seat in the back of the bus, and sat by a thin young man with curly hair. They guy was looking through the windows at the other side, but I thought I coulod recognize that hair. I said "Joaquín?". And it was him! A former student of mine. This shows that I just can't misbehave in this city. It's such a small place! Wherever I go I find people who know me. What if I want to find a male friend and kiss him in the street? Everybidy would know that at school the next day, for sure! :(

By the way, we met Juan, another English teacher at school, with his friend Thomas, at the supermarket. Funny thing, we always meet in the same aisle, next to the bread. Juan and Thomas seem to be a couple. At least that what Juan indicates on his FB account, that they have a relationship. Soon after he was hired to teach English at our school, the roumour spread that he was gay. Of course, the kids were visiting his FB page. Well, he acts quite straight. Not effeminated at all. Nor am I. Am I? No, I don't think so. I go green with envy. I'd love to have my own home and a partner. Well, if I continue eating the way I did today, finding a special one won't be easy.

I saw the most rewarding thing on Facebook today. I was sitting on my bed, just looking around some beautiful men on the internet, when I entered FB and came across this post by our school cousellor (Francisca) about a government-sponsored competition intended to choose a "profesor estrella" (star teacher), a techer who cares about his students, is innovative, creative, etc, and on the first (and only) comment, one of our 12 grade students was proposing me!! :)

This is very encouraging. really. I feel so happy for reaching so many goals in life, against all odds, in spite of all the shit I was forced to believe about myself. Than I was sub-human, that I was abnormal, and all that crap they say about gays.

I still have the problem of sadness, though. Can it be a slight depression? Might be, after all these years of psychological mistreatment. But I have learned to make myself responsible for my own mood. It's not easy when you live with my mother, though. She is always sad and playing the victim. Yes, she has had her lot of suffering in life, of course, but who doesn't? She's not the only divorced woman in the world, she's not the only person who lost her mother when she was a teenager. And if she really believes what her religion teaches, she should be happy to know that she will see her mother again! I asked the school counseloor one day about my sadness, and she told me that only children (I was an only child for 13 years and still very close to mum) tend to sympathize with their mothers. That's why I also tend to be sad. So I have to force me to concentrate in good things in order to keep a good mood.

I have spent a lot of time doing handicraft to avoid concentrating in negative feelings when I have much free time. Writing this diary has also helped me a lot! I would like to write something else, though. Maybe in summer, when I'll have plenty of free time.

I'd like to write a novel, or maybe only a short tale, with an erotic topic. If you want to write about a big, muscular man who ends up having sex with his own mother, does it mean you are a freak? I have examined my feelings, and I don't think I have ever wanted to take my mother to bed. Not at all. When I think about this kind of sex, a son and his mother, I get excited at the idea of being the mother. I get excited at the idea of a huge, beautiful man ficking an older, uglier woman because I think I am ugly and would like to be a woman. And I would also like to be loved, not just fucked. Yes, I don't think much of myself, but I still have a long road to go before I overcome the handicaps caused by my family and society.

But, would such a story sell? Would it be considered a "serious" novel if I deal with the innermost feelings of the characters? Well, Sophocles wrote something like this (Oedypus) and he is not considered to have been a perv. Not officially, at least! I wouldn't give the story a tragic ending, though. If life gives you lemons, you can cry or make some nice lemonade. If life puts you and your mum in the same bed, you can shoot yourself or enjoy a good fuck. In the times of Oedypus, the first option was the one and only. Not now.

But the novel would be written in Spanish, though. Spanish is my mother tongue and I need a good command of the language to deal with all the complexities of a well made story.

I have searched the Internet for stories of this kind, but I only find sheer porn. I want to make it erotic, even steamy, but not porn.

This is what I have found so far, but it doesn't come even close to my idea for my novel:
http://54africanvoices.wordpress.com/2012/02/21/mother-and-son-to-marry-zimbabwe/
http://www.thenewage.co.za/45516-1014-53-Ancestors_told_him_to_marry_his_mother

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We're having a long weekend in Chile. Lots of free time to search the Internet for some of my favorite topics, such as romantic gay flicks. :)

My favorite one, ever, is Beautiful Thing. There are other good gay movies, of course, but this one was especially heartwarming to me.

You can get it from http://aaasi-somos.blogspot.com/2008/12/beautiful-thing.html

I wish I had been man enough to confront my family the way Jamie does in the movie. But again, how many of us have been able to do it? When I realized my mother had discovered I was gay when she read my diary, I felt very distressed. But now that I see it from a distance, if I had remained calm and cold-headed, things would have been very different from then on. I should have confronted her because she was being nosy. But she made a scene and I followed her. Now I realize how silly I was. Everything was cool. The world kept revolving and nobody was about to die, but I let her make me feel like I was destroying our family or our lives.

Well, in the movie, Jamie and Ste also have a hard time when they realize that Sandra knows about their homosexuality, but in the end she is quite supportive of them. I guess this would have been impossible to expect from my mother. We are in a different country, in a different culture. And then came religion. She got actively involved in a religious group that considers homosexuality as Satan's influence. And I, stupid as I am, followed her. Was I being compassionate with her? Probably. I felt so miserable for making her suffer, that in the end I decided to please her and try to follw a "pious" life. Well, I eventually became convinced that the beliefs of this religious group are correct, and I still think so. Who knows. I recognize that some men are devilish hot!! :) In any case, I should have never chosen to get involved with this religious group because I knew their standpoint about gay people from the beginning. But again, I was too young and stupid to think of the consequences of my decisions. I was really immature. But now I have forgiven myself for being so stupid. When I was a teenager I didn't realize how important my personal life was. I just wanted to please others, especially mommy.

Hello all

My name is Fernando Álvarez. Fernando is my middle name. I don't want to use my first name because I don't like it, and because I don't want to be recognized outside this blog, my personal diary.

I used to write my diary when I was a kid. I remember I had a Snoopy notepad and tried to write there every day. Quite silly stuff like "Dear Diary, Today I went to school on my bike. I got a good grade in Science", and the like.

Then, as a teenager, I had the bad idea of keeping a record of my most secret feelings in a common school notepad. No padlock, no key, nothing. I was so stupid that I never thought someone would want to read it. Until one day I left it in the dining room. When I came back from school that day I found my mother was acting quite strange. She had read my description of a hot male classmate of mine, how broad his shoulders were and so on. It was a complete drama that evening, she and me crying. I was ashamed and she blamed herself for raising a monster child. I guess by the time I had somehow been convinced that a man liking other men was a monstruosity, so I must be a monster. And now I was making mom suffer. Such a beast I was.

So my life has been marked by this feeling of being a monster. I got used to being a sad, isolated guy. Only these last few years have I been able to fight this feeling. It's been hard because it's the only life style I have known for decades.

Childhood was such a nice time. The world and my life were beautiful in my eyes in those days. That's why I started this blog, my personal diary. After three decades I have started to feel the way I used to feel as a child, that my life was worth being registered in a diary. I didn't want to keep a paper journal because of those past experiences, and because it made no sense to me if I wrote something to keep it in hiding.

As you can see, in this blog I'm not giving or asking for advice, nor am I interested in creating a popular blog or debating about what I write. Not at all. It's just the diary of a gay guy. If you came across this blog and decided to read my posts, you'll see if you can pick up some lessons of what is a good or bad way to live your life. And if you decide to leave some comments, they will be welcome.