A Gay Guy's Diary

Hello all

My name is Fernando Álvarez. Fernando is my middle name. I don't want to use my first name because I don't like it, and because I don't want to be recognized outside this blog, my personal diary.

I used to write my diary when I was a kid. I remember I had a Snoopy notepad and tried to write there every day. Quite silly stuff like "Dear Diary, Today I went to school on my bike. I got a good grade in Science", and the like.

Then, as a teenager, I had the bad idea of keeping a record of my most secret feelings in a common school notepad. No padlock, no key, nothing. I was so stupid that I never thought someone would want to read it. Until one day I left it in the dining room. When I came back from school that day I found my mother was acting quite strange. She had read my description of a hot male classmate of mine, how broad his shoulders were and so on. It was a complete drama that evening, she and me crying. I was ashamed and she blamed herself for raising a monster child. I guess by the time I had somehow been convinced that a man liking other men was a monstruosity, so I must be a monster. And now I was making mom suffer. Such a beast I was.

So my life has been marked by this feeling of being a monster. I got used to being a sad, isolated guy. Only these last few years have I been able to fight this feeling. It's been hard because it's the only life style I have known for decades.

Childhood was such a nice time. The world and my life were beautiful in my eyes in those days. That's why I started this blog, my personal diary. After three decades I have started to feel the way I used to feel as a child, that my life was worth being registered in a diary. I didn't want to keep a paper journal because of those past experiences, and because it made no sense to me if I wrote something to keep it in hiding.

As you can see, in this blog I'm not giving or asking for advice, nor am I interested in creating a popular blog or debating about what I write. Not at all. It's just the diary of a gay guy. If you came across this blog and decided to read my posts, you'll see if you can pick up some lessons of what is a good or bad way to live your life. And if you decide to leave some comments, they will be welcome.